Do you suffer as I do?

This post aint exactly a calming one to say but it is reality for me. For some time now I have been suffering from Panic and Anxiety attacks...depends...one more than the other. The difference??: Anxiety is a reaction to stress but when it becomes excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.(unfortunately I have) Panic attacks: are sudden surges of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason.

Here, please for my sake...I want you to watch this to understand.

I get stressed out just from watching it because its like Im reliving what I go through frequently.

Just today Sean took the car today and just happens we ran out of diapers so Sean came home and we all went to Costco and as soon as I walked in it hit me again. For no reason.

Yesterday, Sunday, ...I work in the Library and Emmery was with me(just she and I) and once everyone was helped I plopped down feeling very faint and nauseated. I could tell it was coming because here are the (before and during )symptoms:

• Obsessive worries and unwanted thoughts
• Not feeling connected to what is going on around you
• Overwhelming fear that the anxiety will push you over the edge
• raging heartbeat
• difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air'
• terror that is almost paralyzing *nervous, shaking, stress
• heart palpitation, feeling of dread
• dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
• trembling, sweating, shaking
• choking, chest pains, distress
• fear, fright, afraid, anxious
• hot flashes, or sudden chills
• tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
• fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

Green: signifies what I go through or am going through daily.

Red: signifies what I've experienced within the past month(plus).

It is AWFUL beyond description! You can't control it. Old remedies dont work such as:

"The problem is that once the panic attack begins and that heightened state of fear starts, it is very difficult to calm yourself down. In order to restore calm you therefore need the brains mental activity to change. This is the reason why deep breathing is so ineffective in helping people control a panic attack. All deep breathing does is try and restore calm to the body. Trying to mentally calm the body is like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted."

Where the Problem lies?

"After a person experiences a panic attack for the first time, the experience can be so impacting that it leaves a strong imprint on the persons psyche. This mental imprint generates a cycle or loop of anxiety whereby the person develops an unhealthy fear of having another panic attack. People can spend anywhere from months to years caught in this repetitive cycle of anxiety." This is my problem. :o(

What Happens In Your Brain during an Attack?

"when people experience extreme anxiety or panic, the activity in their brain moves from the front of their brain to the mid brain--This was demonstrated by scans showing higher blood flow to the section of the brain that was most active. The front of the brain is where decision making and rationalization takes place BUT the Mid-brain is where survival mechanisms such as fight or flight originate from. A Panic attack is a 'fight or flight' response to a perceived threat.

I am not kidding when I say that writing this post is very difficult to write. I've already had to get up and walk away from the computer 'trying' to distract myself.

Recent places I've been threatened to have an attack or had:

1. Costa vida, (threat)
2. Chili's, (threat)
3. Wal-mart, (threat)
4. Sprouts, (had)
5. mom's house, (threat)
6. my car, (threat)
7. Rob's car(BIL)(threat)
8. Michelle's & Julie's (sisters) house, (threat)
9. my house (had)
10. before I go so sleep, (had)
11. Out with Ashley and Kolton(friends) at Red Lobster, (threat)
12. church (had)...I could go on.

Its ridiculous and Im so sorry if I do not seem myself lately...its because I am not myself lately. For a month strong now, I haven't been the same. I try so hard to fake that Im okay...and rarely it works. However my recent event on Saturday, Julie's Baby shower, I was quite proud of myself when I left that I had fought the "panic beast" away but to my dismay it came along in the car driving to pick up Emmery. It has become a daily threat and Im already sick of living in it. And after having one it's SOOOOOOOOOOO exhausting and I am left with a headache and a woosy stomach, oh and no energy to take care of myself or my kid.

I guess I have to say that this is a little bit of a "cry for help". I dont want meds or therapy...those only remedy the situation for some time but only to put make up on it to cover it up. They don't actually fix the problem. I am aware that there is hypnosis but that would be my LAST option. I have come across this website and it is VERY convincing. http://www.panicportal.com/indexc.htm

Are any of you sufferers out there??? Have you discovered anything thats helps? Or better yet, CURES? I have a disorder...I have just reached that conclusion today...(tears) and I can't live like this anymore.