Yearnings...Goals...

Being that I am the sixth child, the baby, and six years apart from my closest sibling...I have always felt...uh I dunno...left out. Left behind. Out of the Loop. "last ones a rotten egg!" Yeah, I've felt like the rotten egg. Not always but yes, that feelings been harvesting there for some time. And its never been so promenate...so potent until I got married. Then it just got worse. I no longer leaned on my Mom or/and Dad anymore but just One person, My husband. Yes its fact that once you get married you've started your own family now. But in way I felt like instead of something great...i've just downsized. I know that sounds awful..but Im getting to my point here in a bit. I love Sean, he is the one for me, my rock, my everything. After marriage I came to a 4 way stop at one point and realized I've still got so much further to go. I felt like at the time "now that Im married I'll get to be with the "in crowd"," that is with my family. But the real truth is Im still behind. I didn't have kids, or a house, I wasn't a mother, etc. I just completed level One. Funny how we think something will be so great and we'll be ahead...and then once we got there we realize we've still got so much further to go...so much more to learn. Just like the concept of temple marriage. My whole life I saved myself, everything I was taught I held dearly and strive so hard to make it to the finish line...to stay worthy and find my husband so that we can be sealed together for time and all eternity. I fought and fought and I did it, great! But wait, this is just the beginning. Its true, when something ends it's really just the beginning. (my first yr of marriage= Here's me and here are all my siblings, we are all married now, I did it! Im in the Loop! (((Buzzer, wrong!))) Im just at the level they've finished years ago. Disappointment sets in, sorrow, hurt, feelings of never being good enough. Sure, being the baby has all its perks right? Well Im here to tell ya, it Don't! (yeah, thats right, awful grammar) You ever heard of the phrase "trying to keep up with the Jones'"? (seems like i've heard it so much this year) Thats what, I-the baby, have always felt like. Im just trying to keep up with my siblings..(((picture a girl on her knees begging when I say this))) Talk to ME, ask Me about my shopping spree, ask ME about my recent dinner dish, ask ME about my feelings on this/that, Why Yes I've heard about the new such 'n such, ouuu did you hear about so 'n so. From ever since I could remember its always been that way, left behind. So further into my marriage and with amany great conversations with my spouse I decided I wasn't going to wallow up into self pity and boo-hoo about it. Just accept it for what it is...Im just the baby and Im too far behind to ever fit in with "the crowd". But then I realized that didn't work either...I just ended up hurting myself and sean ended up hearing more sob stories and drying my tears with his comfort. I still ever longed for a close relationship with my siblings...I so longed to be apart of them instead of just being with them. When Emmery was born it helped alot...i got alot of attention from everybody...not just family but friends and co-workers and acquaintances. I thought being pregnant was just awesome! I loved the attention Im truthful about that. To receive so much love, care, and concern along with excitement was so fulfilling. But then the months pasted and the winds died down. Responsibility set in along with my situation. I was a new mother and a new wife...my pre-marriage cares dissipated, or at least hid in the closet for the time being. Another department of my life filled in that void enough to not consume me with my previous feelings. Then came February of 2008. The month I decided to join the blogging community. I saw it not only as a great documenting/journal my Life experience but as well as a communion experience. It opened a door. I felt more in tune with the "clique" of the family. Now don't get me wrong here but it just wasn't enough. Believe me I am grateful for it but I still evermore enjoyed face-to-face than anything else. I wanted to feel that bond ya know? So heres where my my title comes into play. I had been yearning to long to be apart of my family and now my situation made that tangible. ( I could talk about the same things they were talking about because I could Relate and Understand. ) So I turned that yearning into a goal. I don't know if its considered a goal but I will try my best to spend more one-on-one time with my siblings. And I knew it could be done...and I had hope. Because while I was pregnant with Emmery so was my Eldest sister pregnant(but w/ her 5th). I found comfort and compatibility while talking to her and being with her. so thats where my hope sparked from...i finally felt like this goal was do-able. And to my Georgian sister, I miss you terribly. I think about you and can't wait for the day of your return back home...at least thats what I hope for. I would love to spend more time with you. I've always enjoyed your sweet opened-armed-ness towards me while I was in my collage/dating years. In fact, I can still recall the day I told you guys I felt so strong for Sean and that I would marry him. That was a special day for me with you guys, that means you too Chris. Someday I hope to spend more time with you guys. I am trying slowly but surely to get to know my older siblings, to DO things with them. And with my continuance...well here was my Saturday night...and I loved every minute of it! Thank you! With love, ashley (see post)