Frightened and Fierce

Today was a good day. A triumph. Many do not realize that what seems so simple and just another to-do is to someone else every bit the opposite.

I struggle. Yes, everyday I struggle. Everybody struggles.

Today I had the car. I had an apt with my ever so busy doctor.(most visits i wont see her till an hour in the waiting room passes.) I just needed to check some women problems out, discuss my options, and move forward. If all I had to do was make it there to my doctors. Now Im not just referring to making it on time...but just dragging myself to be there. I think the doctors office is one of the most gosh-awful places to ever be. I practically expect to return with, not just myself but a bug as well. Seems like there is always a sick person present( what else should I expect?) Today I was feeling good and ready. Being ready really reduces my anxiety...so I knew i would be having a better day from the get go.

I paced my drive. No rush, no worries. It was nice. No fussy baby, no freeway accidents, no tail-gaters, no road ragers, just ppl driving to as I was. I was thankful for this. To everybody else this was just another day, another drive. To me this was a-small-step-for-all-mankind kinda thing. Its just the anxiety of it all (to me) that makes this simple trip to the doctors office such a big deal. When in reality its not a big deal.

I wasn't worried as to what the doctor would find out...i think im just frightened by the docs office, period. The wait to be seen, to touch that pen to sign in, to sit in that seat whom some sick person sat Im sure, to fear for my shoes crying out at me of all the germs on the floor to then bring those same shoes back home and place on MY floors!!! Negative Thoughts Galore!!!! Thats just how it goes when it comes to my anxiety. For most ppl who excess of it too. Negative, negative, negative.

But not today. Today I got out of bed for the first time feeling ready and rested. Today I got out of bed NOT lying on Emmery's bedroom floor trying to wake up whilst she climbs on me. My back often gives me problems in the morning resulting in a slow start often times.

Today was so NORMAL! I felt normal today...and it has been so nice. I thank my heavenly father for my good days(for they come only few days a week). Normal is good to me.

As I waited at the doctors office of which i've been coming here since I can remember. I sat there watching Emmery and began to reflect and be reminded "Hey, I'm doing so well today!"

"im here at the doctors office and I haven't had a single ill thought!" Amazing I thought. Right there I quietly and inconspicuously thanked the Lord for this simple yet enormous good-normal-feeling day. Heck and guess what?! After speaking with my doctor and having Emmery bite my finger...i was still feeling pretty good. Until I was told to go get my blood drawn. My heart quivered a bit but I just swallowed and said yes.

Down stairs in suite 515 was the Sonoran Quest Lab. Walking in I could tell it was going to be a while. Asking the front desk lady I got a response it would be about 45 mins. After chickening out I then decided just to go back in & get it over with...if i don't do it now it wont get done. I'll just have to pull through...i am having a good day I might as well. and I have to give credit to my wonderful daughter for(other than biting my finger) was being a very good girl.

I patiently waited and felt nothing. No ill thoughts means no uneasiness. It was simple, easy, and bare able. I was in and out in 30 minutes. Am I scared of needles? no, blood? no, just being there really. Odd I know, and Im the one who deals with myself. How does Sean ever live with her Im sure you've already asked yourself. Sometimes I wonder the same thing.

As soon as I got in the car and drove off I was feeling even better. I was fierce! I was frightened in the beginning but I did it ....and with ferocity. Just do it!...and I DID!

Yes, today was a good day...and that was just the beginning.